I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize