if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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