I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize