There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
