I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
