ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
