the condom got lost in my hair
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
