So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
