I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
