how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
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