I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
