I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
