I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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