the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
