My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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