Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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