I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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