I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
