Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
