I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
