Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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