im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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