dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
