But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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