I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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