I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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