the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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