Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
