She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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