I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize