yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
