im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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