I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
