The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
