Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
