i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
