new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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