Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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