you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
