By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
