did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
