You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
