My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize