Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
