I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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