How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
