I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
