I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
