Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
