So drunk its hurt
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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