just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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