took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
