I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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