Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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