I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
