Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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